"Head in the forest, hands in society"
~ Sri Sathya Sai Baba ~I have been trying to practice this teaching of Swami's in my daily life by carrying Him in my heart. On happy occasions, I thank Him; in difficult situations, I ask for His guidance; and during 'normal' times, I would just talk to Him whenever or wherever I am, in whatever circumstances that came my way. Thus, I have always felt that He is with me, all the time. Yet, there are many occasions when my monkey mind will question whether it is all my imagination or whether Swami is truly by my side.
When I arrived at Prashanti Nilayam in early February 2011, my sixth visit, I was still as excited as a spiritual novice when Swami came out for darshan. He was in the car but the window was opened so we could see Him quite clearly. When He looked towards our direction, my lips called out softly, "Swami!" My heart was grateful to be in His divine presence once again.
As we were enjoying Swami's darshan, my mind started wandering. My thoughts went back to a recent email with a Sai sister to whom I had mentioned my pain when I saw Swami's frail condition in recent pictures and videos. I wrote to her, "I do not know how I am going to face the Lord this time." To which she replied, "Oh, you will be so happy to see Swami again." And she was right... Swami did look healthy and strong to me and I felt happy for Him.
Then, my mind started talking to Swami... "Lord, I cannot hear Your voice anymore these days. I cannot feel You in my heart either. And You have not come in my dreams for a long, long time. How can I hear Your voice again? Please tell me what to do."
That evening, darshan ended around 8.00pm and we stopped by the little bookstall in front of the Southern Canteen. After browsing around for several minutes, my eyes fell upon these words,
"You can hear the footsteps of God when silence reigns in the mind."
~ Sri Sathya Sai Baba ~
Immediately, I knew it was an answer from Swami. It was true that I had been so caught up in worldly affairs during the past couple of months and I have not indulged in seeking solace or do my regular meditation. Hence, my mind became clouded by doubts and insecurity.
For days following that incident, I was very sick with fever and flu. It did not stop me from participating in chanting practices, going for darshans and seva, but it did slow down my activities somewhat. I had to rest on most afternoons which I would not do if I were healthy... and that gave me some time to withdraw myself away from the world.
When Swami did not come for darshans during the next few days, and only did a quick round once without waiting for our country's performance, I was not disappointed. We had been informed that He was not well so I did not have any expectations. My mind remained in that equanimity state and I accepted whatever happened or did not happen.
During our last two days in Parthi, I only managed to see Swami from a distance, and many times, my view was blocked by others who either stood up or raised their hands. I was not much affected by their actions because I could feel how happy these women were to see Swami and, who knows, it could be their very first time. I was glad for them that they were to be able to see Him in this lifetime.
My wandering thoughts went back home and I realized that my daily online sharing of Swami's teachings gave me the opportunity to read His words of wisdom constantly and through my graphic artwork, I was able to see Him close up every single day by viewing His pictures. It was at that moment that I knew I did not need to be physically near to His Form to feel His presence. I was already basking in His divinity, just by involving myself in actions in His service.
On the final morning, whilst everyone else was busy doing last minute shopping, my mind was totally blank. I had nowhere to go and nothing to do, but I did not feel like staying in the room. So, I took a slow walk around the grounds of Prashanti Nilayam, enjoying the peace and quiet of being alone with my Self. It was such an overwhelming experience as I felt completely detached from the world and was in close proximity with God. There was no fear at all and I felt so much Love. It was sweet Ananda indeed and I knew it was a parting gift from Swami to me, one which I hope to find again, in the depth of silence.
"Only in the depth of silence, you can hear the voice of God."
~ Sri Sathya Sai Baba ~
(Written by : Adeline Teh, 26 February 2011)
